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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26263198">This Time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashcaptain/pseuds/trashcaptain'>trashcaptain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Kawoshin - Freeform, M/M, rei and shinji are siblings, timeloop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:34:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26263198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashcaptain/pseuds/trashcaptain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a timeline without angel attacks or Evas, will Kaworu and Shinji get the ending they deserve?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ikari Shinji &amp; Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A New Opportunity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>            “Seriously! Who the hell does he think he is?!” Asuka shrieked, tightening the white-knuckled grip on her bookbag. Shinji sighed, accustomed to, and often the target of his friend’s outbursts. However, today’s target was none other than Kaworu Nagisa, the new exchange student that Shinji’s family had been hosting for a week now. It had been a long week for Shinji, not because of anything that Kaworu had done, but because Kaworu had become the bane of Asuka’s existence and she insisted on telling anyone who would listen.</p><p>            “Nagisa-kun is actually really nice, Asuka. He even offered to help me cook dinner the other day.”</p><p>            “That’s just a front. You’re telling me you can’t see right though him? He acts like he’s polite but I bet he thinks he’s better than all of us. Did you see him during English today? When he started quoting some random poem? The teachers just eat it up!”</p><p>            “I thought it was kind of cool actu-“</p><p>            “Oh, stop kissing his ass Shinji it’s not like he’s going to return the favor,” Asuka interrupted.</p><p>            “H-hey!” Shinji tried to counter, but was too flustered to think of a fitting response.</p><p>            “Anyways,” she continued, “I guess I should be sorry for you. It’s you and the space cadet that actually have to live with him.” She motioned to Shinji’s sister Rei, who was staring at the cars passing by, deep in thought. At the mention of her name, she was briefly pulled from her trance.</p><p>            “Hm? Did you say something?”</p><p>            “Tch. Forget it,” Asuka rolled her eyes, “What are you making for dinner tonight?” Before Shinji could respond, she had already begun ranting again.</p><p>            “You know what? Never mind. I can’t enjoy a meal in the presence of that stuck-up freak. His highness didn’t even deem us worthy to grace us with his presence on the walk home!”</p><p>            “He just likes being alon-“</p><p>            “Would you stop making excuses for him?!” Asuka snapped, “We’re here. I’m leaving before he shows up. See you later Shinjidiot, Miss Perfect.” She stomped off without waiting for a response.</p><p>            Shinji turned to Rei once Asuka was out of earshot, “He’s really getting under her skin. I haven’t seen her this angry in a while.”</p><p>            “I think she feels threatened,” Rei put bluntly in her ever-aloof tone.</p><p>            “You think?” She was probably right. Asuka always had the highest grades in the class but in a mere week it seemed like Kaworu was on his way to claiming that position for himself. In fact, Shinji hadn’t noticed anything yet that Kaworu wasn’t great at. He had set a new swimming record during gym, was popular with the girls, and just today Shinji caught a glimpse of him playing a beautiful sonata on the piano in the music room like it was nothing. He didn’t blame Asuka for being intimidated, Kaworu was pretty much perfect as far as he could tell.</p><p>            As Shinji and Rei approached the apartment complex, they were greeted by their upstairs neighbor Kaji, who was smoking a cigarette in front of the entrance.</p><p>            “Elevator is broken again,” he said in between puffs.</p><p>            “Oh, thanks, Kaji.”</p><p>            “No problem. By the way Shinji, I need help with the watermelons whenever you’re free.” Despite perpetually looking like recently unemployed office worker, Kaji was surprisingly diligent about the complex’s rooftop garden that he maintained. He had roped Shinji into helping out years ago, as Shinji would often go up there to watch the clouds pass by or stargaze.</p><p>            “I’ll stop by soon then,” Shinji replied. The siblings ascended the stairs to their sixth story apartment, and as Rei retired to her room to begin homework, Shinji began preparations for dinner.</p><p>            Though his friends were amazed at how he had the patience to make lunch and dinner almost every day, cooking was one of the few things Shinji really enjoyed. He could control how much food to make. He could control what they were eating. He could control the flavor and the texture of the food. In a world where he often felt pushed around by people and events he had no say in, Shinji craved that control. He had been cooking for so long now that it felt like muscle memory. After an ill-fated lab accident caused his mother’s untimely passing, he realized quickly that someone needed to learn to prepare real meals if he and Rei didn’t want to eat snack food and convenience store sandwiches for the rest of their lives, and their distant father sure as hell was not going to show that kind of initiative. Now that cooking was so second nature, he appreciated that he could take one or two moments out of the day to put on some music and quiet his racing mind while he absentmindedly chopped vegetables or tossed things around his frying pan.</p><p>            He felt his phone buzz in his back pocket, a message from Misato. Seems he would be making dinner for four tonight. Sure enough, just as he was placing the dishes on the table, he heard the telltale sound of Misato cursing under her breath as she fumbled with her keyring, trying to let herself into the apartment. Shinji decided to spare her the trouble, and opened the door to see her finally clutching the correct key, startled at his sudden appearance.</p><p>            “Can’t you knock?” he questioned.</p><p>            “Don’t be like that Shinji, you knew I was coming,” she said ruffling his hair.</p><p>Rei poked her head out from her bedroom down the hallway.</p><p>            “Hey, Rei!” Misato greeted.</p><p>            “Dinner is ready,” Shinji followed. Rei offered a wordless nod and took her seat at the table. Misato immediately made her way to the fridge and grabbed a can of beer she had planted during a previous visit.</p><p>            “Won’t father be mad if he comes back to see all the alcohol you’ve stashed here?” Shinji interrogated.</p><p>            “Come on, like he’s ever here long enough to actually notice. Plus, you guys are good kids! I probably couldn’t get you to dip into my supply if I tried. Not that you have, because I do check,” she snickered.</p><p>            After the death of Shinji and Rei’s mother Yui, their father Gendo had taken on extra work within the research program they were spearheading. The constant on-site investigations or collaborations with other universities kept him from home 99% of the time. He claimed he needed to pick up the slack now that Yui was no longer there to help. Shinji knew that was an excuse to get away from himself and Rei. He figured that his father just couldn’t bear to look at them without being reminded of his mother. Especially Rei, who with every passing day looked more and more like her. He found it pretty hypocritical that a man who supposedly loved his wife so much would abandon the children she brought into the world.</p><p>            When they were younger, a colleague of Gendo’s would take care of them, but eventually that fell through and they were left to fend for themselves. Misato was a favorite student of Yui’s, and when she heard the siblings were living on their own, she insisted she come by to check on them regularly. Of course, it also helped that her boyfriend was living upstairs. Shinji really felt like he was taking care of her most of the time. Though he knew she meant well, she was a loose cannon with a tendency to drink too much, and her attempts at giving advice were more than a little overbearing.</p><p>            “Why don’t you just eat dinner at Kaji’s?” Shinji questioned.</p><p>            Already red-faced, Misato laughed, “Do you honestly think Kaji could cook up a fresh bowl of ramen half as good as the stuff you make? I’ll head over there after I’m done. Hmm, you know what? I’ll probably stay over because it’s already so late.” Shinji made a mental note to listen to music while he went to sleep tonight lest he hear something he would not be able to unhear.</p><p>            “Anyways, how’s living with that transfer student? He just moved in this week, didn’t he?” Shinji had casually mentioned the transfer hosting program his school was facilitating during dinner with Misato one night, not expecting that she would take such an interest in it. She was the one who said that he and Rei should, no <em>needed to</em> host someone. Honestly, he was surprised the school let someone move in considering the closest thing they had to a present guardian was Misato, who was basically a highly functioning alcoholic, but apparently, they had a shortage of volunteers.</p><p>            “He seems pretty nice so far. He’ll probably be back later, he said he wanted to explore the city on his own for a while.”</p><p>            Misato furrowed her brows in an irritated scowl, “Are you serious?”</p><p>            “What?!”</p><p>            “The whole reason I told you and Rei to participate in this program was because I wanted you two to make a new friend! Especially you Shinji, you need to get out of the house more, you’re always in here cooking and cleaning for everyone! I was hoping <em>you’d</em> be the one to show him around!”</p><p>            “He just seems like kind of a loner! I don’t want to force anything on him!”</p><p>            “You can’t always wait around for everyone to come to you,” Misato groaned, “Sometimes you have to take the initiative.”</p><p>            Shinji pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh, “Fine. I’ll ask him to go do something when he gets back…and what is that supposed to mean?! I do have friends for your information, right Rei?!”</p><p>            Not looking up from her bowl of vegetarian ramen, Rei replied, “You make food for a lot of people.”</p><p>            “You’re not helping my case,” he deadpanned. The rest of the dinner passed with much less confrontational conversation, as Misato became too giddy to continue her lecture.</p><p>On her way out, she slurred, “Let me know if you need any groceries, I’ll bring them the next time I come by.”</p><p>            “Sure,” he said halfheartedly, already closing the door. He had heard enough of her incoherent praise for the wonders of alcohol. She was Kaji’s problem now. However, before it could shut completely, she put her hand out to stop it.</p><p>            In an odd moment of clarity, she looked at Shinji with a smile much more vulnerable than he was used to seeing, “I meant what I said earlier. I’m worried about you. Try to treat this whole transfer situation as a new opportunity okay?”</p><p>            At first, he was too surprised by her sincerity to say anything. He shook it off, she must be at the emotional stage of drunkenness.</p><p>            “Y-yeah, of course,” he agreed, as she stumbled towards the stairs that led to Kaji’s apartment. He glanced back at the pots and bowls containing Kaworu’s unassembled portion of the ramen. A new opportunity, huh? Adults always thought you could solve your problems with some empty moral like that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Homecoming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>            Later that night, Shinji was half-watching television in the living room, and half-reflecting on what Misato had said. Sure, he wasn’t the most popular kid in his class but he had all the friends he needed, right? A few dedicated friends were surely better than a bunch of acquaintances who barely knew you. So why did he still feel so utterly alone? Even when he was surrounded by others he felt as if he was separated by an invisible glass wall that made it impossible for anyone to truly see or understand what he was feeling. A light knock on the door cut through his train of thought. Kaworu had returned from his excursion. When Shinji answered he found him still in his school uniform, but soaked in water from head to toe.</p><p>            “Nagisa-kun what happened?! Did it rain or something? The sky looked so clear earlier.”</p><p>            “Oh no, nothing like that,” Kaworu smiled, “I was watching the sunset at the beach and I underestimated the tide.”</p><p>            “I see,” Shinji couldn’t help but notice how immaculate Kaworu still looked even after being drenched by the waves. It was almost as if he was pulled off the cover of a magazine. He knew the amount of attention Kaworu was getting was driving Asuka up the wall but he would be a liar if he said he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. He realized the whole time he was thinking he was staring at Kaworu. Staring for far longer than is socially acceptable.</p><p>            He quickly stammered, “Do you need an extra towel or something? I can go get you one.”</p><p>            “No that’s alright, I’m about to bathe anyways.”</p><p>            Finding himself inexplicably nervous over this incredibly mundane conversation, Shinji blurted, “Sorry about the locked door by the way, we should ask about getting you an extra key.”</p><p>            “No need to apologize. If I get a welcome from you every time I arrive it’s not such a bad thing.” Were foreigners really that much more straightforward with their feelings?! What a jarring cultural difference. Where did he even say he was from, again?</p><p>             “Oh…uh…well after your bath I can heat up your dinner! That is, if you haven’t eaten yet.”</p><p>            “Of course I haven’t. I wouldn’t miss the chance to eat something you cooked for me personally,” and with that, Kaworu headed to the washroom. Shinji tried again in vain to watch television while he waited but his mind kept drifting to his conversation with Kaworu. Why did he seem to take such an interest in Shinji? Was Kaworu actually that interested in him or was Shinji misinterpreting his attempts to be polite? Kaworu was incredibly hard to read. That was part of his allure, Shinji supposed. He was mysterious and unpredictable.</p><p>            Shinji kept Kaworu company at the table as he worked through his bowl of ramen. He knew he was terrible at small talk but he was trying with all his might to muster up topics for conversation when Kaworu broke the silence.</p><p>            “Sorry you had to wait for me. If you have other matters to attend to please go ahead, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your plans.”</p><p>            “No!” Shinji said a little too enthusiastically, “I mean…I like watching people eat the food I make. If that’s fine with you of course, you’re probably uncomfortable with me looming over you like this, right?”</p><p>            “Not at all, I enjoy your company. I like being around you, Ikari-kun.”<br/>            Before Shinji knew what he was saying, he replied, “Shinji. You can call me by my first name if you want to.”</p><p>            “Okay Shinji-kun. I’d be happy if you called me by mine as well,” Kaworu beamed. His name sounded so natural coming out of Kaworu’s mouth.</p><p>            “How are you enjoying Japan, so far?” he asked.<br/>            “Hmm…It’s quieter than I remember.”</p><p>            “Quieter? You’ve been here before Kaworu-kun?”</p><p>            “Yes, but it was a while ago. Things were very different then, more hectic. I like the way it is now though. It’s a nice change of pace for me.”</p><p>            “I’m not really sure what you mean, but I’m glad you’re liking it.” Shinji looked down to see Kaworu had just finished the whole bowl. Maybe it was the pride of someone as impressive as Kaworu liking his food enough to finish it all but he was suddenly filled with a swell of confidence.</p><p>            “I’m going to go stargazing on the roof, do you want to come with me?”</p><p>            “I’d love to,” Kaworu replied.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Reflection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>            Tabris was cautiously optimistic. More optimistic than he’d been a long time. Tabris, now more often referred to by his Lillin name, Kaworu, was trapped in a time loop. This wasn’t an exact time loop where every day or event or line of dialogue was the same. Things would evolve and change, sometimes influenced by the loop before, but sometimes seemingly at random. The only somewhat constant part was the cast of characters present, and this was only because Kaworu willed it so. Far too many cycles back for Kaworu to count accurately, he was apathetic to Lillin. Not that he didn’t care about them as a whole, but more so that he didn’t see the point of meddling in their affairs. Lillin and angels were different after all. They were never meant to understand each other and they were never meant to coexist. Whenever they were in close proximity, they would destroy each other. They were opposing teams in the cosmic game of chess the heavenly Father played to entertain himself. For whatever reason, be it extreme boredom or unrelenting curiosity, their Father would fling angels at the Lillin and watch them scramble to mount some defense until their civilizations crumbled. This was the way things were and Kaworu didn’t see any reason to change it. He travelled wherever fate willed him, heeding the orders of whoever believed they were in control and followed his instincts, which usually meant unleashing his full destructive capabilities on the poor, perseverant Lillin.</p><p>            But something changed when he met Shinji Ikari. Kaworu had never felt the need to get close to any Lillin, but something about this one boy utterly fascinated him. Whereas Kaworu never questioned the heavenly Father’s plan or asked why he was the way he was, Shinji’s mind was constantly racing with questions about his purpose and place in the world. He was so full of contradictions. He hated his father but worked desperately for his approval. He and his fragment of Lilith, formed into the being called an Evangelion, were often part of the last line of defense for the Lillin, but he still saw himself as insignificant. He craved the affection of others but was too afraid to try and secure it. At first, Kaworu simply found such confusion fascinating. He made it a point to seek out Shinji, wherever and whenever he existed, just so he could observe this strange behavior. This desire to observe soon turned into a desire to understand, and eventually Kaworu found that while you could attempt to predict or explain Lillin behavior, you could never truly understand why they behaved the way they did until you experienced the emotion that was constantly coursing through them for yourself. Such strong sensations could cause you to behave in their contradictory ways. For example, becoming fond someone could cause you to abandon your instincts in service of seeing him just one more time, even if you knew that time would be brief, and even if you knew that it would end so abruptly, no matter what you did to try and change it. Perhaps it came from taking their form. He doubted Ramiel was experiencing similar feelings.</p><p>            Whatever the cause of this fixation, Kaworu resolved himself to a new goal, one that seemed deceivingly simple: to make Shinji happy. However, try as he might, he was never able to succeed; the tragic endings of their encounters prevented it without fail. He began to question. Why? Why did the universe seem to deny true happiness to the one person he felt deserved it? Why was fate so willing to violently yank away what little satisfaction that person could find? Kaworu had been around for a long time. He had watched life evolve on the speck of dust that had now become the earth. This was the first time he felt a strong conviction to do anything and he was not about to give up on it so easily, no matter how much it hurt to fail over and over again. And it did hurt. There were times where Shinji was forced to watch Kaworu die. Shinji would always beg that he stay and ask why it was happening, or say that he wished he could take his place, that their roles should be switched. He tried to put on a smile and reassure Shinji in these moments, they would meet again after all, but of course he didn’t understand that. There were times where the reverse occurred. Sometimes death came too quick for Shinji to properly react. Maybe one look of shock or confusion before he was vaporized by an angel. Maybe he didn’t even get that. Sometimes he was exhausted and accepting, tears streaming quietly down his face as he waited for the end to come, as long as it meant the suffering would cease. Most often he went in a fight, frantically clinging to his existence. He would scream through his sobs and plead for help, desperately digging his nails in and clawing for every last breath. Kaworu hated when he couldn’t prevent this. At least when he died he knew he’d have another chance. Shinji didn’t have that luxury. However, none of these grisly outcomes compared to the loops Kaworu despised the most: the ones in which he couldn’t find Shinji at all. In these, he would drift idly by until it was time for everything to start anew. He honestly preferred the ones in which he died by Shinji’s hand.</p><p>            However, this current cycle was different from the others. There were no other angels, no Evangelions. No N.E.R.V. or S.E.E.L.E. or W.I.L.L.E. or any other convoluted organization exerting their will on the world. Perhaps the Father had taken pity on his plight and decided to grant him one moment of peace, or Kaworu was being naïve and destruction was yet to come. He really hoped it was the former.</p><p>            He began a silent prayer. Please let this time not end in tragedy. Please let him find the true happiness he desires. Please let both of us survive. Of course, there was no response. The Father never doled out answers like that. You had to stumble around blindly and learn the hard way. Whatever was happening, Kaworu was convinced it meant he had a real chance to bend fate to his will, and he was not about to let it go to waste. He wouldn’t fail this time. When success felt so close, he didn’t know if he could bear it if he did.</p>
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